Don't Go Changing

The following was published in the April 15 edition of the Dayton Daily News and was nominated for Best Imitation of Writing, Latin/Spoken Word.

I don’t do well with change.

One time I went to a restaurant where they secretly replaced the fine coffee they usually served with Folgers Crystals. I didn’t get out of bed for weeks.

So imagine my reaction when it was announced that the Grammy Awards were slashing more than 30 categories.

Really, 30 categories gone? That’s excessive. Then there are a mere 78 left.

I understand not wanting to make cuts out of show time that could be spent extending a pyrotechnic-laced Justin Bieber/Jaden Smith dance routine, but there has to be another way.

All right, deep breaths. I’m going to stay calm here. In the grand scheme of things, it’s no big deal. There could be no Grammys. Can you imagine? Then people would only be able to find out about hot new artists from record stores and FM radio.

The Academy is probably just getting rid of some of those technical awards anyway, the ones handed out in previously held ceremonies at venues with really low ceilings.

“Gone is Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals,” according to eonline.com. “And the Best Female Pop Vocal Performance and Best Male Pop Vocal Performance are getting morphed into the gender-neutral Best Pop Solo Performance.”

Gender-neutral? You can’t judge men’s and women’s songs against each other. All of men’s songs are about women. It’ll subconsciously skew the whole thing.

Whew, it is hot in here. Is anyone else hot? I am burning up.

Okay, that’s fine. Go ahead. While I do not agree that Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals was the right place to start (Best Pop Collaboration With Silence/Body Language, anyone?), I’m willing to go along with it.

I mean, these people run the Grammy Awards. Are you going to question their competency?

So it’s a shame to have lost those categories, but at least the band-aid’s off. We’re finished.

What’s that? We’re not finished? And no one is actually talking to me right now, you say? Interesting.

“The Dance Field has been renamed the Dance/Electronica Field and Best Electronic/Dance Album is now called Dance/Electronica Album,” the Recording Academy press release said.

Come on, Recording Academy. What does that even mean? How do you get from Electronic to Electronica? That’s like going from Rhythm and Blues to R&B. They’re completely unrelated.

“As the distinction was often hairsplitting, Hard Rock and Metal were combined,” the press release continued.

They must mean earsplitting. What they meant to say is that these categories rocked so hard separately that it was earsplitting and hence, they had to be combined for safety reasons.

“Individual categories for Hawaiian, Native American and Zydeco or Cajun Music are being replaced with the Best Regional Roots Music Album category.”

Noooooo! Think of the reaction in Native American communities, where this will likely be viewed as the worst atrocity ever carried out against their people in this country’s history.

I can’t breathe. Water, I need water. The room is starting to spin. I think I’m going to pass out. This can’t be real.

It’s a dream. That’s it. It’s all just a nightmare. Any minute now I’m going to wake up and everything will be back to normal.

Then I’ll see that it was all just a horrible dream, like that time I thought I wrote a whole column about the Grammys.

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